By Jessica Mickley
Director of Outreach and Training

In New Jersey, every 7 minutes, a person is a victim of domestic violence. That means every 7 minutes, a man or woman is physically, emotionally, or sexually abused by an intimate partner. However, many victims do not report the abuse to police, so domestic violence actually occurs more frequently than statistics show. A culture of silence and shame prevails when it comes to domestic violence, making October’s Domestic Violence Awareness Month incredibly important.

When the person you love and trust most in the world starts trying to control where you go and who you talk to, it can feel embarrassing to tell anyone. When those controlling behaviors become threats, and then threats escalate to pushing, shoving, slapping and other physical acts, it can feel impossible to seek help.

Victims of domestic violence often do not report the abuse because they love the perpetrator. This may seem shocking (how could you love someone who hurts you?) but it’s important to remember: abusive behavior does not start on day one of a relationship. Most of the time, abusive behavior begins slowly, almost imperceptibly, and then increases over time.

Those who have experienced domestic violence may not report because of these reasons:

· The very real fear of being blamed for the abuse

· A poor prosecution rate with minimal jail time for the perpetrator

· Fear of the repercussions

· Threats of violence from the abuser if the victim reports

And then there’s the one reason expressed by many victims: their children.

Abusers often use children as a control tactic. This control takes many forms. Sometimes, it is threats to kidnap the children, or sometimes it’s threats to make false claims about child abuse. When it comes to domestic violence, children are often pawns in a very dirty game of chess.

Unfortunately, victims of domestic violence are in a “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” situation when it comes to their children. The above threats are very serious, and abusers will follow through if provoked, making it dangerous to leave the relationship. In fact, the most dangerous time for a victim of domestic violence is right after he/she leaves the abuser.

However, if a victim of domestic violence stays in an abusive relationship, the children will inevitably hear or see some of the abuse at a minimum. Children who witness domestic violence are often traumatized, and have statistically been shown to be at higher risk to become either an abuser or a victim themselves later in life.

In domestic violence situations, children are always at risk.

Fortunately, there are many organizations that help both victims and their children find safety. If you or someone you know needs help, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. If you are in an immediate risk of harm, do not hesitate to call 911 or report a child at risk to the state central registry (877-NJ-ABUSE).

To learn more about services for victims of domestic violence in Passaic County, visit http://www.passaiccountywomenscenter.org/.